A different kind of Jon Keats

I was going to write about health care and abortion today.


That all changed when I read about a man named Jon Keats [his real name], who has an exhibit in New York City.


You're probably asking yourself, "what's in this display, and why is Ed writing about it and not some of the most pressing social issues of our time?" Stephanie Meyer might say you were just wondering. Or pondering. Speculating. Ruminating. Inquiring. Meditating. Deliberating. Musing. Considering. Perhaps you weren't. Either way...


The answer to your query, question, speculation, pondering, wondering, is that his exhibit displays televisions for plants... Let me write it again, this time in capital letters, so the absurdity of it truly sinks in [if it didn't before]. TELEVISIONS FOR PLANTS. It is exactly as it sounds. He positions plants in front of television screens, which play six and a half minute loops of an Italian sky...that's it. There's no punchline. It's plants watching tv. Visitors are encouraged to bring their own potted plants. Take them on a vacation of sorts. I'm not sure which I'm more uncomfortable with. The man who thought of it, or the people who show up to take their plants on an Italian vacation of sorts. They all should be monitored.


This man has also copyrighted his own mind [sounds like something Amelia would do], and has sold real estate in the extra dimensions of space-time proposed by string theory [sounds like something Joe would do].


I found out about these charades in the New Yorker, and I don't know which I was more upset about: the exhibit itself, or that the exhibit was written about in the New Yorker. Because that's exactly what this Keats guy wants. To be written about and talked about and be thought of as quirky and interesting and pushing the limits of thought experiments when in fact people like Jon Keats deserve to be locked in a closet, where they are denied the attention they so desperately crave and they can only annoy themselves. Television for plants is on the same deplorable level of philosophy and art as shitting in a paper bag. It doesn't broaden any horizons except for people who drop acid every day. It doesn't push anything forward. It is a waste of time and thought, the equivalent to being stuck in traffic, doing nothing other than robbing you of irreclaimable time.


You know he goes to dinner parties and when people ask what he does, he smiles and tells them a few of his exploits and they say "that's so interesting" or laugh or something. But it's not interesting! It's not even funny! It's f---ing stupid! And the worst part is, he gets paid to do this. So he has the time and the resources to sit around, do nothing except think of more scams.


I'm fairly certain he's not inundated with job offers...


....


Employer: It says here on your resume that you founded and created an exhibit called "Plant Television". What was that?


Keats: Exactly what it sounds like.


Employer: You made a t.v. show about plants?


Keats: No. I put plants in front of a television.


Employer: And filmed a tv show about it?


Keats: No. I put them there just so they could watch television.


Employer: They?


Keats: The plants.


Employer: I thought plants couldn't watch television.


Keats: They can't.


Employer: Then why put them in front of tv?


Keats: So they can watch television.


Employer: But they can't.


Keats: You don't know that.


Employer: They don't have eyes. I know that.


Keats: Eyes aren't the only way to see.


Employer: Tell me another way.


Keats: Sonar.


Employer: Do plants have sonar?


Keats: Not that I'm aware of.


Employer: Then how do they see the tv if they don't have eyes or sonar?


Keats: I never said they could see the tv.


Employer: Then why put them in front of a screen if they can't see?


Keats: Blind people go to movies. They can't see them.


Employer: When was the last time you saw a blind person in a movie?


Keats: Yesterday.


Employer: You're lying.


Keats: Alright, I was. But I know blind people go to movies.


Employer: At least they can hear them.


Keats: How do you know plants can't hear?


Employer: Because they don't have ears.


Keats: There are other ways of hearing.


Employer: Name one.


Keats: Sonar.


Employer: We've been down this road.


Keats: What about radio waves?


Employer: What about them?


Keats: You can transmit and listen to sound through radio waves.


Employer: Do plants transmit radio waves?


Keats: Doubtful.


Employer: Then how does that help us?


Keats: I guess it doesn't.


Employer: You're going to have to do better.


Keats: What about photosynthesis? Or osmosis?


Employer: Now you're just saying words that sound scientific.


Keats: You caught me again.


*awkward silence


Keats: Ever thought about buying real estate in a fourth dimension?


Employer: Get out. Now.