Written With Anger In The Heart

A few quick notes:

-- If you don't have it, get "So Alive" by Ryan Adams. Good listening. Amelia, if you can't buy it because you find your iTunes password changed, try smacking the keyboard at random and see if that works. Lilly likes to focus on punctuation and numbers.

-- Just finished The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler. Parts of it are outdated, but it is still a great read. It's thrilling, but good, simple writing. This will not be the last Chandler novel of the year. I wish more modern thriller writers read him.

-- I sold over $500 worth of food this morning. If you figure 20% tips, I should have made $100. I walked out with $35. Average of 7% tip per table. Pretty unbelievable. It's no coincidence that this coincided with Texas Relays weekend [also called the "Black Mardi Gras"], where over 40,000 people come to Austin. Some come to run in a weekend-long track event [hence the Texas Relays name], but many more come to drink and party. And almost all who come are black [hence the Black Mardis Gras part]. It is our [the Chili's I work for] busiest weekend of the year. We prepare for it by keeping a 5 gallon jug of strawberry lemonade in the back. It's not racist. We open at 11 and had to refill it before I left at 4. More on this later.

-- I am meeting with two English professors this week - one on Tuesday, one on Thursday - to seek counsel from them. Hopefully get a contact or two. At the very least, I get to be in a restaurant with someone who doesn't have a full set of gold teeth.

Now, allow me a rant. No dialogue this time. Too much anger.

....

Dear Customer Who Didn't Tip,

First off, go fuck yourself. There, I said it. Do you not realize that I just SERVED you the entire time you enjoyed your food and drink? Hence, my job title: server. I brought you food, drinks, refilled the drinks, brought out extra ranch or honey mustard if you needed it, brought desert, cleared your table, even pretended I cared about your happiness, and you don't think that deserves something? I make $2.13 an hour. Do you know why that is? Because my income is dependent off of gratuities [that's a big word for tips] from people like you, therefore making it legal for me to be paid far less than minimum wage.

A few more questions for you. Are you really ordering an $9 margarita, but when it comes time to tip, you don't have money for it? And are you telling me how great of a waiter I am, but leaving me a $2 tip on a $40 check? Really? Try paying your rent by telling your landlord how nice they are, or how nice the apartment is. See how that goes over. And are you really driving up to the restaurant in a cadillac with rims and a chain the size of your face, then bickering with me because I charged you for a salad? Really? Don't tell me that you are old enough to drive a car and vote, but simply don't know that you are supposed to tip in a restaurant. It is common knowledge. I don't buy that for a second. Don't feed me that excuse. Just look me in the eye and tell me you are too cheap to do it. Too cheap to cough up a few extra dollars because I waited on you hand and foot. At least give me that satisfaction.

You know what, you don't want to tip me? Fine. At least have a reason. Food too cold? Took to long? Cooked too much/too little? Didn't like how it tasted? NOT MY FAULT. I DON'T COOK. I'll need something better.

And don't be a lying coward either. Don't order something you can't pay for, then try and complain once you see the bill. Or even worse, order something nice, eat or drink half of it, then say something was wrong and ask to speak to a manager and whine until you get something taken off your ticket. Don't order things you can't afford. Don't eat at restaurants if $20 is an expense you can't handle. Don't buy rims if you're too broke to tip waiters. Bottom line, don't be a selfish asshole, because that's what you are when you don't tip. Because part of the cost of eating out at a restaurant [whether you like it or not] is the service that comes along with the food. What you are saying when you don't tip is that you have enough money to feed yourself, but not 18% more for the person who just took care of you for the last hour.

My advice to you, O Selfish One Who Doesn't Tip: wait tables. See how much work it can be, see how unpleasant and stingy people can be. See how it feels to have someone tell you "get me some ranch" instead of "could I have some ranch?" See how much fun you can have when someone shakes their cup at you as you walk by because they want a refill. See how much fun it is when someone walks out of the restaurant without paying. And then also see how refreshing it is when people are polite, patient, and generous. How easy it is to wait on people who understand you're trying, and understand that you have other tables, and may get busy.

And I would try to 'walk a mile in your shoes', but I don't own a $300 pair of Jordans, and I can't un-learn how to read, and I will never spend thousands on rims or chains or gold/silver teeth. But you know what? You can get a job. You can toss on a pair of slip-resistant footwear and work in a restaurant. Let me know when you do. I'd love to sit in your section.