Goodbye, Cable

I have found that I am perpetually making lists. The majority of the lists are handwritten To-Do lists, which then contain various sub-lists scattered within the larger To-Do List itself. For example, I'll write  "HEB" on a list. But that's vague, so then go I'll a line below, indent a few spaces [to indicate what I'm about to write applies to HEB on my list] and then make another sub-list using arrows like so: 

--> apples
--> lemonade
--> venus razor

I'm not sure why, but a list just looks better with arrows. As if there's a sense of urgency to the list, a hint of direction. So arrows are ubiquitous amongst the lists. At times I wonder how much time I have spent making lists because I also wonder how much of that time could have been directed towards accomplishing the tasks on the list instead of merely listing the task itself.

But you get the idea. I like to make lists.

So I made a list today and one of the arrows pointed towards "INTERNET/CABLE". There was no sub-list required for this, as I knew what needed to be done; call our heinously unreliable internet company, inform them that their internet was being heinously unreliable, then secure an appointment with a "technician" of theirs to fix said unreliability. And in the span of ten minutes, I accomplished this rather easily. They at first asked me if I had remembered to turn both the router and the modem on, which strangely enough, I had. They asked about ten more of these painfully obvious questions -- "Have you made sure that your computer is capable of receiving wireless internet?" -- before they finally deduced the problem was with the modem itself, and so Sunday a smiling technician will be out here to assist us. Then there was one more order of business -- the "cable" part of the "INTERNET/CABLE" entry on the to-do list.

At the house, we have cable but we don't have a tv to watch the cable on so we don't watch the cable at all. In fact, I can't even guarantee we have cable because that's how little cable we watch. In the four months we've lived here, we haven't watched cable once. Between everything that's available on Netflix and Hulu, we simply haven't needed to. We had been meaning to cancel it for months, but somehow it hadn't been cancelled yet and so today when I called, I had them transfer me over to the Cancellation Department [what a horrible name for a department. Sounds like a codename the SS would have used], where I spoke with a woman who told me her name but I instantly forgot it. 

-"Was there something wrong with the service?" she asked.
-"No. It was great," I said, lying through my teeth. The service could have been, and based on the performance of the internet, probably was terrible. But this woman worked in the Cancellation Department. I didn't want to make her day worse.
-"Oh. May I ask why you want to terminate the service then?"

I thought for a moment about how the Termination Department, somehow, would be a worse name than the Cancellation Department. Why did such a department -- whether it be titled Cancellation or Termination -- need to exist? Couldn't it just be an unnamed section of the customer relations department? There surely wasn't an Upgrade Department, was there?
-"We just don't watch it."
-"Really?"
-"Really."
-"And you don't want to keep it just to stay up to date on your favorite shows?"
-"None of us really watch enough television to even have a favorite show."
-"And none of you are sports fans? If you cancel, then you won't be able to catch all the big games, you know"
-"We're sports fans," I said, defending the collective manhood of the house. "I work in a sports bar though. Get plenty of sports there. Almost too many sports, you could say."
-"Oh, I see... Would you want to keep the basic package at least? Stay up to date on the local news and channels?"
-"No thanks. The local news is pretty terrible, don't you think?"
-"No. I actually like the local news," she said.
-"Really?"
-"Yeah. It's, uh, informative, and you know, they've got some interesting stories that, uh, you know, at least I find to be worth watching."

I could tell she hadn't watched a second of local news recently, unless it was that snippet you catch after a football game or your favorite show. Those few minutes of boring local stories before you turn the tv off or just find something else to watch. I had her on the ropes.

-"Well personally, I think it's awful."
-"I see," was all she responded with. There was a silence.
-"And what about if we offered you a discount on the cable for the next few months? Would you be interested in that?"
-"Oh. Money's not the issue," I said. "We just don't want it anymore. Or I guess I should say we don't watch it enough to want it anymore."
-"What if we offered you a free month of cable? You know, so just in case on a Friday night or something when you have people over, you can put on HBO or a movie? And for only a few extra dollars a month, you can  even DVR your favorite shows and watch those whenever you want."
-"I usually work on Fridays," I said, pretending she cared about my work schedule. "Plus, if I'm not working, I don't think I'd spend it in front of a tv. I'd probably try to spend it with my friends."
-"Do your friends like tv?"
-"We don't really talk about it too much."
-"About what?"
-"Tv."
-"Oh."

She tried dangling a few more carrots, desperate to help me realize what I was missing out on. In the end we settled on the house upgrading to a faster internet connection, which made her feel less bad about the whole thing. She told me to have a nice day and hung up.

I crossed INTERNET/CABLE off the list, thinking about the conversation that had just taken place.

-"We just don't watch it."
-"Really?"

Isn't it supposed to be:

-"I need to upgrade my cable."
-"Really?"