Conversation

SCENE: A COW, in a lush pasture, chats with a VEGETARIAN. We join them mid-conversation, after the shock of a talking animal is no longer the focus.


Cow: You're not going to eat me are you?


Vegetarian: Nope. I'm a vegetarian.


Cow: Heard that one before.


The Cow backs away cautiously.


Vegetarian: No. Really, I am.


Cow: Then what are you doing in a pasture?

Vegetarian: Getting away from it all.


Cow: Any you just happened to pick this exact spot?


Vegetarian: Looked quiet.


Cow: How can something look quiet?


Vegetarian: I don't know. Maybe I meant to say it looked peaceful.


Cow: Well then why didn't you say that?


Vegetarian: Guess I misspoke.


Cow: I guess you did.


The Cow stares suspiciously at the Vegetarian.


Vegetarian: Anyone else know you can talk?


Cow: They're both dead.


Vegetarian: Dead?


Cow:Yeah. They knew too much...


The Vegetarian looks uncomfortable. A silence.


Cow: (laughing) HAHAHA! Oh boy. You should have seen the look on your face when I said that. Hahaha!


Vegetarian: Very funny...


Cow: ...I haven't laughed that hard in a while.


Vegetarian: Have you ever killed anything?


Cow: Yeah. A fly that was really pissing me off. Kept landing on my eye ball.


Vegetarian: How can you kill a fly?


Cow: I trampled it.

Vegetarian: Must have been a slow fly.

Cow: What's that supposed to mean?

Vegetarian: Nothing. I just --


Cow: You just what?


Vegetarian: Forget it.


Activist Cow: No. I'm not going to 'forget it.' How would you like it if I insulted you?


Vegetarian: I probably wouldn't appreciate it.


Cow: Well, I think you're fat. But just 'forget about it', right?


Vegetarian: (smirking) Kind of ironic, don't you think?


Cow: What's ironic?

Vegetarian: You, a cow, calling me fat.

Cow: Hey, I'm genetically engineered to be heavy. What's your excuse?


Vegetarian: Overactive thyroid.


Cow: Right...


Vegetarian: No, seriously, I have medicine for it.


Cow: Whatever helps you sleep at night.


Vegetarian: I imagined cows as much nicer animals...


Cow: (sarcastic) Oh, what we're supposed to be best friends because you don't eat meat? You want to make a real difference? Break me out of here.


Vegetarian: You wouldn't fit in my car.


Cow: Really? Another fat joke?


Vegetarian: No. I'm being serious. I drive a Toyota Pruis. You wouldn't fit.


Cow: Good. I wouldn't want to get in that car. With all the accelerator problems and recalls.


Vegetarian: How do you even know about those?


Cow: Because I'm a cow I can't be informed on current events?


Vegetarian: I'm surprised, that's all.

Cow: You know what? Just cut the barbed wire. I'll disappear into the woods and we can both go our own ways.


Vegetarian: Kind of hard to disappear with those spots.


Cow: They aren't the best camouflage, I'll grant you that.


Vegetarian: What purpose could they possibly serve?


Cow: Hey, easy on the spots, alright?


Vegetarian: I was just wondering.


Cow: You 'just' a lot of things. I'm starting to get tired of it.


Vegetarian: Don't have a cow...


The Vegetarian cracks up, impressed with his own pun. The cow stares blankly.

Vegetarian: Oh come on? Not even a little smile?


Cow: You know how many times I've heard that? Why don't you round it out and 'moo' at me?


Vegetarian: Mine was more clever than that...


Cow: Pretty sad when you have to defend your own joke...


And we leave, just as we entered, mid-conversation. We pull back, keep pulling back, as they keep talking, until they are just two specks in a field of green.