WOMAN (grabbing a pair of jeans): These are cute...
The Woman holds them up, analyzing every stitch. The Man looks on helplessly - deer in headlights.
WOMAN (to Man): What do you think about these?
MAN: They're great.
WOMAN: Really?
MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: They wouldn't make my butt look too big?
MAN: Not at all.
WOMAN (referring to jeans she is wearing): Do these make my butt look big?
MAN: No.
WOMAN: Are you sure?
MAN: I think they look great on you.
The Woman reverts her attention back to the jeans - the ones she is wearing as well as the potential purchase...
MAN: You should totally get them.
WOMAN: I don't know. They're a little expensive.
MAN: You said you needed a new pair.
WOMAN: I do...I do. I'm just not sure if these will even fit me right.
MAN: Then try them on.
WOMAN: They're probably won't fit over my huge hips.
MAN: You don't have huge hips.
WOMAN: Compared to Sarah I do.
MAN: Why do you always compare yourself to Sarah?
WOMAN: I never compare myself to her.
MAN: You just did.
WOMAN: You make it seem like I do it all the time.
MAN: You do do it all the time.
WOMAN: No I don't.
The man surrenders. He knows he can not win this one. Only lose gracefully.
MAN: Just try them on. I'm sure they'll be perfect.
We rejoin them ten minutes later. The Man sits, waiting for the Woman to come out of the dressing room. This is the seventh pair of jeans.
She arrives.
WOMAN: How do you like these ones?
MAN: I like them.
WOMAN: You said that about the last two.
MAN: Because I liked the last two.
WOMAN: Which do you like the most?
MAN (forgetting what the last two looked like): Um, this one. Definitely.
WOMAN: Why definitely?
MAN: I just really like it.
WOMAN: Were the other ones that bad?
MAN: No, this one is just that good.
WOMAN: I really liked the second pair I tried on.
MAN: They were good as well.
WOMAN: But you said you liked these the best.
MAN (lying): I do. But I really don't think you can go wrong here. It's whichever one you're more comfortable with.
WOMAN: They're all comfortable.
MAN: Well then get the one that looks the best.
WOMAN: You said this pair looked the best.
MAN (wanting to wrench out his tongue for speaking in absolutes, such as best and worst, instead of the vague "like's" and "great's" that he'd been getting by with for the last two hours): I think you looked great in the second pair as well.
WOMAN: But not as good as in these.
MAN: Try the second pair on again and let me compare them.
WOMAN: No, it's fine. I'll get these.
MAN: You should get the ones you want.
WOMAN: I just want to you to think I'm sexy. And apparently I do in these.
MAN: You do in all of them.
WOMAN: Then why do you like these the best?
MAN: I just like how they look on you.
The Woman now tunes him out. Walks in front of a store mirror. Does the obligatory eight or nine turns in front of it. Trying to see herself in the jeans from every angle.
WOMAN: My butt looks huge in these.
MAN: It doesn't look big in those.
WOMAN: It does. Look.
She turns and shows him her butt. To the Man, it looks exactly the same as every other pair of jeans.
WOMAN: See?
The Man nods.
WOMAN: I told you so.
She walks back to the dressing room. The Man checks his phone. Game starts in thirty five. Store's fifteen minutes away.
The Woman returns, carrying nothing.
MAN: Where are the jeans?
WOMAN: I'm not going to get any.
MAN: What about the second pair?
WOMAN: They're too expensive.
MAN: But you need a pair.
WOMAN: Highland Mall's only ten minutes from here. I'm sure they'll have something cheaper there.
MAN: Seriously. Let's just get the pair of jeans right now. You looked great in them. My treat to you.
WOMAN: I wasn't that crazy about them anyway. Made my butt look big.
The Woman walks towards the checkout. The Man checks his phone. Thirty-four minutes now. Pushes the cart towards the checkout, defeated...
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